


Killing Me To See You This Way

by fishfingersandjellybabies



Series: Murder and Consequences [7]
Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2016-09-30
Packaged: 2018-08-18 17:05:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8169397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishfingersandjellybabies/pseuds/fishfingersandjellybabies
Summary: These weren’t thoughts a child was supposed to be having. But then again, this wasn’t a situation a child was supposed to go through either. Why won’t Grayson just sleep?





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is a couple days after the last bit. Damian is wearing the hoodie/clothes Dick and Jason bought him. Title from ‘Little Talks’ by Of Monsters and Men. Dick is reading 'Howl's Moving Castle' by Diana Wynne Jones

The dream woke him up.

It wasn’t a nightmare, per say. It wasn’t scary or terrifying, or even a flashback. This was the first time in days it _hadn’t_ been a flashback.

(He wondered if Grayson and Todd knew about the nightmares and flashbacks. He hadn’t told them. He hadn’t told them anything, frankly. They hadn’t talked about a single thing.

And he was _more_ than okay with that.)

It was just a dream. And when he woke up, he didn’t jump up or shriek or anything. His eyes just flew open.

His body tightened, still curled up, and he kept it that way, until he was sure there was no threat, he could confirm he was still in this little apartment in Central City, with his eldest brothers. As soon as he was sure everything was okay, he let out an exhale, and slumped back against the pillow leaning against the arm of the sofa, closing his eyes again.

He shifted his feet, and froze.

When he’d fallen asleep, during some old movie Jason had chosen, Dick had been sitting in the middle of the couch, and Jason on the other side. When he’d fallen asleep, he had curled his toes under Dick’s thigh, both because he was cold, and for the emotional anchor Dick provided.

He sat up, looking down the couch. Jason was opposite of him, asleep, curled up against a pillow like Damian had been. The glow from the TV highlighted the dark circles under his eyes on an otherwise momentarily peaceful, if unshaven, face.

He glanced towards the TV, towards the curtain closed behind it, and the late afternoon sun trying to peek through. Grayson wasn’t there either, staring into the tiny backyard thoughtfully, in a mockery of their father’s brooding, like Todd had found him doing before.

Damian twisted further, to look back into the bedroom. He could see the unmade bed, the corner of the nightstand, but the room was otherwise empty.

His heart was starting to pound, as he shifted his legs to the floor. What if Grayson was gone? What if Father was coming and to get him off the trail, Grayson left them? What if Grayson was going to take the fall for the crime he had committed? Oh no, _oh no_. He couldn’t lose Grayson. Grayson _couldn’t take the blame for this-_

He heard the flip of a page, and spun the other way, to look over the back of the couch. Dick was in the kitchen, standing at the other side of the island with a book open on the counter and a glass of water sitting next to it.

He didn’t realize his shaky exhale was audible until Dick looked up, and found him clutching the back of the couch with white knuckles and heavy breathing.

“Damian?” He asked softly, standing to full height. “You okay?”

Damian nodded vigorously, hiding his mouth against the back cushion.

Dick tilted his head to the side. Looked like he was going to come around the counter and back into the living room, but hesitated. “You sure?”

Damian nodded again, and for a moment, he and Dick just stared at each other. He took in Dick’s almost-crumpled clothes, shadows of a beard along his jaw, and, like Jason, the purple circles under his eyes, only _worse_.

He looked terrible.

(And Damian knew that was _his_ _fault_.)

“…Grayson?” He asked quietly.

“Hm?”

“What are you doing?”

Dick blinked, like he was cataloguing Damian’s question for future reference, then smiled. “Reading.”

“…What are you reading?” Damian asked, shifting carefully off the couch, trying not to wake Jason. When he knew he succeeded, he fixed the oversized hoodie he was wearing, and shuffled across the floor. When he reached the counter, he leaned his sleeve-covered fingers against the edge.

Dick was still smiling, watching him closely, but lovingly. Like there was nowhere he’d rather be but here, with Damian. It…it made Damian sad. “I don’t know, to be honest. Found it in the bedroom. Figured I’d try to figure it out by reading it, and ask Jason when he wakes up.” He flipped the book up, and showed the inside of the front cover _. To Jason_ was written there, with a heart and K + R written underneath it. “It is his, after all.”

“Oh.” Damian hummed. “…Is it any good?”

Dick laughed, like Damian had done something cute. “It’s alright. I definitely wouldn’t have picked it for myself, probably, but. Jason has more refined literary tastes than I do.”

“Oh.” Damian returned, leaning his face down against his sleeves. Dick’s smile lessened slightly, and Damian knew why. It was a new tick, hiding his face like that. Seemingly only developed in the past few days. Since… _that_.

“…Are you hungry?” Dick asked.

“No.” Damian returned, trying to sound pleasant. “I’m fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” Damian promised. He paused, then. Pursed his lips against the cotton of the hoodie, as Dick glanced back down at his page, probably more to mark his place than keep reading. “…Grayson?”

“Yeah, kiddo?”

“…Are _you_ okay?”

Dick blinked, but his finger twitched on the page. “What do you mean?”

“You haven’t slept.” Damian whispered into his sleeve, looking up at Dick with big doe eyes. “I _know_ you haven’t slept.”

Dick snorted. “Of course I have, I’ve-”

“You’ve gone to bed with us, sure.” Damian countered. “But I know you get up. I know you _stay_ up. You sit out here and watch the door.”

Dick’s lips were parted in a little bit of surprise, and slowly, he sucked his lips through his teeth in thought. “…Damian, wouldn’t that mean you aren’t sleeping either?”

And Damian couldn’t quite deny that entirely – he didn’t stay up, like Dick did, just woke up frequently, over the night. Would roll over and go back to sleep once he knew Jason and Dick were still with him and still _safe_ – so he didn’t. Instead, he just shrugged.

Then Dick’s eyes were sad, and after a pause, he gently closed the book. “Damian, how are you doing? Really?”

Damian just lowered his gaze. Stared at his fingertips, peeking out of his sleeves.

“You can tell me.” Dick crooned, and Damian heard him push the book away, before there were suddenly hands covering his. “I…I know it’s hard, Damian. And thinking about it is scary. But I don’t want you to think... _Jason_ , doesn’t want you to think, even for a _second_ , that you have to go through this alone. That you have to put on a mask or deal with all the emotions yourself. Because you _don’t_ , and you _never_ have to.”

Damian blinked, and after a moment looked up. Dick’s face was so… _open_ , and _worried_ , and it made Damian’s stomach twist in _guilt_.

“We won’t judge you or blame you, or anything you might think.” Dick whispered. “We don’t _hate_ you, we aren’t _mad_ at you, and we _never_ will be.”

“But Father does.” Damian mumbled. “Father always will, now. I broke my promise, I _killed_ someone again.”

“I don’t…” Dick sighed, squeezed Damian’s fingers. “I don’t know what Bruce is thinking, but that doesn’t matter, okay? Because what Bruce is thinking or feeling, it doesn’t mean that everyone else is feeling it, too.” Pause. “When I talked to Tim the other day, he was worried out of his _mind_ for you. Could barely tell me what he needed to, just kept asking how you were. We ran into Roy Harper when we got food? He thinks you’re a damn _hero_ , Damian.”

“…I’m not a hero.” Damian decided. “I never was.”

“You _always_ have been.” Dick countered. “And you always _will_ be.”

“No, I’m not!” Damian almost screamed, and he was zero to sixty in a second, jerking away from Dick’s hands and backing up. “I’m not because I just forced you and Todd to…to drop _everything_ , to stop _your_ lives, just to help me, just because I _messed up!”_

“Not at all, Damian. You didn’t _force_ us to do anything.” Dick was already around the counter, approaching slowly. Damian looked like an abused dog, about to run. Panicked himself, when he saw Damian’s eyes dart towards the nearby front door. “We dropped everything because we _wanted_ to. We left Gotham behind because you weren’t safe there, and to us, that’s the most important thing. Your safety. Your health.”

Dick kneeled in front of Damian, reached out to hold his arms, and his heart broke, when Damian flinched at the contact. He remembered, too late, that this is what the Joker had done, this was how the Joker had held him, too.

“…You don’t have to talk about anything right now, you know that.” Dick whispered. “I won’t push you to do anything you don’t want. What happened to you was terrifying and awful, and you don’t want to relive that, I understand completely. But. Just…just know, okay? Whenever you want to talk, _if_ you do, just. I’m here. _Jason’s_ here. And we will _always_ listen. No matter what.”

Damian just stared at him for a moment, face taut, eyes nervous.

“…I don’t remember, Grayson.” Damian breathed, finally. “Why don’t I remember?”

“Probably because you were scared. And fear makes our bodies do weird things to protect themselves, like forget.” Dick tried. “…What _do_ you remember?”

“I remember everything up to when he fell.” Damian’s voice shook. “I remember him saying he was _proud_ of me, and how _mad_ that made me. Because I didn’t _want_ him to be proud of me. Because if that _monster_ was _proud_ of me, then…what did that make me?”

It was more than anger, Dick knew. Damian was _petrified_ that the destiny Talia and Ra’s had whispered into his ear all his life was coming true. That he was a villain, a bad guy. That he was becoming the enemy his father and family would despise with their whole hearts.

And it was terrible that Damian didn’t know – they could _never_ hate him, no matter what happened, no matter how much he might feel he _deserved_ it.

“…What do you remember after that?” Dick asked instead.

“Staring at the body, realizing what I had done. Todd, mostly. I remember him asking where the blood was from.” Damian responded. “When I turned, he was right there. I…I don’t know how long he was there before I noticed him. I remember answering his questions, though…it’s fuzzy. Then you were there.” Damian’s eyes suddenly widened, and he made to step back. Dick held fast. “Then _you_ said _you_ were proud of me _too_ , and I. I didn’t deserve that. I _don’t_ deserve that, I-”

Damian was almost hyperventilating, and Dick could do nothing but drag the little boy into his arms, and hold him as tightly as possible.

“Yes you do.” Dick whispered into his hair, rocking him. “Yes you _do_ , Damian.”

Damian was clinging to his shirt and _pulling_. It took a few minutes, but Damian’s breathing settled back down.

“I…I think that’s when I blacked out again.” Damian croaked. “I…remember Todd talking to me, carrying me around. I remember the sound of a car, but I don’t remember specifics. I remember seeing everything but not clearly. Like…it was like I wasn’t really _there_. I heard myself answering Todd’s questions, but don’t remember doing so. I came back to in the shower. At some point. I think. I don’t know. Everything was just so… _blurry_.”

Stop.

“Up until you get here anyway.” Damian hummed against Dick’s throat. “That’s the first thing of this whole mess I remember clearly. You holding me, and carrying me to bed.”

“Oh.” Dick replied carefully.

Then, they sat there. Listened to the low sounds of the TV, and Jason’s breathing.

“…I was just _so angry_.” Damian murmured. “I was just so…I just wanted him to _shut up_.”

“I know.” Dick cooed, running a hand over Damian’s hair. “I know Damian, and it’s. It’s okay.”

“But it’s _not_.” Damian was suddenly pushing back. Not out of Dick’s arms, but far enough that he could look up at his brother. His eyes were deep, tired, sorrowful and his face was _so pale_. “You should be _furious_ , like Father probably is.”

“Your dad isn’t…” Dick huffed an exasperated laugh, and ruffled Damian’s hair. “I’m not furious, Damian. I…I’m _sad_.”

Damian blinked. Scrunched up his face like he didn’t understand. “Sad?”

“…Because you should have never been in that position. You should have never been alone with him, never felt that was your only choice.” Dick held his cheek. “Bruce and I should have taken care of that bastard ourselves, a long time ago, before we ever met you. Before we ever met _Tim_. Probably even before…well, before…”

And even all these years later, he couldn’t verbalize it.

“…Dying sucks.” Damian whispered, leaning into Dick’s hand, but looking away. “And I…I know Todd and I aren’t really close, but…but when he said he was going to go after Todd again, hurt him, _kill_ him _again_ , just for _fun_ , I…I don’t know, I panicked? I…I couldn’t let that happen. Not to _Todd_ , not _again_. He…he deserves more than that. And then when he brought all of you into it, and I was just so…so _scared_ for all of _you_ , but I didn’t want to die _either_ , and then he was _proud_ of me and I got _angry_ , and then…” Damian closed his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Grayson.”

“And I’m even more sorry, Damian.” Dick returned immediately, stroking his thumb along Damian’s cheek. “And I promise, I will never let _anything_ like this happen again. It’s my job to protect you, _and_ Jason, and I _didn’t_ , and I will gladly spend the rest of my life making up for it.”

Damian blinked, and then frowned. “…No it’s not.” He decided. “Your job is to _sleep_ , and _eat_ and take care of _yourself_ , and you haven’t done that in _four days_.”

Dick smiled. “Damian-”

“And you can’t protect _me_ – if it’s really _that important_ – or Todd if you’re _exhausted_.” Damian scolded, and suddenly he was up, pulling at Dick’s wrist. “Now come on. You need a _nap_.”

Dick stood immediately, and followed as Damian dragged him back to the bedroom. “You once told me naps are for babies.”

“And overly sentimental Graysons who think too highly of their former Robins.” Dick could see Damian’s blush, and the self-depreciation of the statement, even as the child shoved him into the bedroom. “Now _sleep_. Todd and I will discuss waking you for dinner.”

“Okay, okay.” Dick laughed, heart swelling as Damian literally _tucked him into bed_ , pulling the comforter up over his face. “I’m going, Damian, I’m going. You go back out with Jay. Decide on dinner. I’ll be out in an hour.”

“Two hours minimum.” Damian snapped. “I’d _prefer_ you sleep until tomorrow morning.”

“Hour and a half, and then I’ll stay in the bed the whole night, how about that, kiddo?” Dick laughed, pulling the comforter down enough to curl into it. Damian didn’t respond, just fiddled with the blanket, and Dick’s pillows. “…Hey, Damian?”

“…What.” Damian was already suspicious.

Dick kept grinning as he reached out of his cocoon, wrapped a hand around Damian’s head and pulled him down, kissing his cheek gently.

“We’ll get through this, okay? I promise. You, me and Jay.” He whispered. Damian looked down at him cautiously. Guiltily. Hopefully. “One day at a time.”

“…If you say so.” Damian said, reluctantly. After a second, he pulled away from Dick’s hand, and turned to stare back into the living room. He was staring at Jason. “…Grayson?”

“Yeah?”

“I...you said I could tell you anything, right?” Damian whispered. “About…about this. What I did. The feelings and stuff, and the nightmares and all that.”

“Of course.” Dick promised, reaching out for Damian’s hand, even as he sat up. “What are you feeling?”

“I…” Damian stopped. Opened his mouth and closed it again almost immediately. His eyes were fierce, and focused on Jason in the other room. “I don’t know. I don’t know _how_ I feel. I don’t think I feel _anything_ , right now. And maybe I _won’t_ ever again.” He decided, and Dick frowned in worry. “But I just…I mean, I…I don’t regret it.”

Dick waited.

“I don’t regret killing the Joker. I don’t regret killing him for Todd, or the rest of you.” He looked back up at Dick, and his eyes were nervous, concerned. Terrified. “Does that mean the Joker was right? To be proud of me? I mean, if I don’t regret taking a life, then maybe I’m exactly the monster he was implying I was-”

“No. _No_.” Dick denied instantly. “Everything the Joker said to or about you was a _lie_ , okay?”

Damian pressed his lips together thoughtfully, eyes darting between Dick’s. It didn’t look like he believed him.

After a moment, he looked back towards Jason. “…Everything I told Todd when he found me was my justification. Why it was okay that I’d just murdered that man in cold blood.”

And how could Dick forget?

 _“Father will hate me now, but he won’t hate you, Todd. He won’t, he’ll_ love _you again, so now-”_

“…Is it bad I still believe that?” Damian whispered. “That if Father and Todd reconnecting comes from this, it’ll be worth it? That I’ll be more than happy to be hated for what I’ve done by my father, if it means he transfers whatever love he had for me to the son who has always deserved it more than I ever did?”

“Damian-” Dick started, already tightening his muscles to spin Damian around. He stopped, though, and watched as Damian so carefully watched Jason. “…No, it’s not bad. It just means you’re a better person than all of us.”

Damian blinked and looked back up at him.

“Damian, you…you know that’s not true, right?” Dick whispered, and it _hurt_. “Bruce has always loved you, and you always deserved it, and he’s always loved Jason, too. What happened won’t change any of that.”

“…You don’t know that.”

“…I don’t have _evidence_ of that, no, but.” Dick sighed. “Just…trust me, okay?”

Damian just looked away. Back at Jason.

“I love you.” Dick said, leaning forward to kiss the back of Damian’s head. “Like I said, Damian. I know all of this is hard, but we’ll get through it, all of it, Together. One day at a time.”

Damian didn’t say anything. Just nodded, though it looked unsure, and after a moment, pulled his hand from Dick’s and awkwardly left the room.

And Dick just stared after him. Watched as Damian padded over to the sofa, and looked down at Jason before carefully maneuvered himself into Jason’s embrace. Jason didn’t wake, but subconsciously squeezed the boy, burying his face in his hair. Dick waited just one more moment, before lying back down and closing his eyes. Sleeping, like Damian had asked him to.

~~

The book was getting good. It turned out the wizard knew about the spell the whole time, and might’ve been in love with the girl the whole time, too.

Suddenly there was a sound across the room and instantly, the escrima stick he had hiding between the sofa cushions was in his hand.

He was about to hit the electricity, when he heard a scoff.

“You _said_ you’d stay in the bed tonight.” Damian hummed accusingly. The effect was ruined, though, with his hair mused so badly, and the yawn he was trying to hide. “Did you ever actually go to sleep?”

“I slept for a while.” Dick replied nonchalantly. “An hour maybe?”

Dick could see Damian’s frown as he stepped towards him, and into the soft light of the lamp.

“You okay?” Dick asked, as Damian came around the sofa and stood in front of him. “Another nightmare?”

“Yes, but that’s not why I’m out here.” Damian blinked sleepily. “Grayson, you need to _sleep_.”

“I need to _protect_ you.” Dick countered firmly. “You and Jay.”

“You need to _help_ us, help _me_ , sure. Not protect.” But almost immediately, Damian seemed to shrink away from the answer. “At least…not _really_. Not like _this_.”

Dick sighed. “Damian…”

“You’re lucky I don’t tell Todd, or he’d be out here too.” Damian huffed, suddenly climbing up onto Dick’s lap. As he did, Dick spread his arms out to give Damian more room, and glanced into the bedroom, where Jason was clearly conked out, still.

“Damian…?”

“If you’re going to stay up, I am too.” Damian announced, settling into the curve of Dick’s crossed legs, leaning carefully against Dick’s chest. And Dick couldn’t help the bark of laughter that jumped out of his throat – he knew Damian would be back to sleep in ten minutes, tops.

“…Tomorrow night, I _promise_. How about that?” Dick asked, wrapping his arms around Damian and balancing the book on the other side, looking for the sentence he’d been interrupted on.

“If you don’t, I’m telling Todd.” Damian murmured, with a sigh that signaled he was already falling into a doze.

A beat of silence, then softly, “…Do you want to tell me about your nightmare?”

“Not particularly.”

“Okay.” Dick agreed instantly. “Would you like me to do anything?”

Another second of quiet, then he felt fingers twist into his shirt. “Read to me, I guess.”

Dick smiled, and leaned his face against Damian’s hair. He glanced back into the bedroom at Jason, sprawled across the bed and facing the door. Satisfied, he cleared his throat, and held the book up a little higher. “You got it, kiddo.”


End file.
